It baffles the mind that somewhere–probably in some brightly-lit meeting room–a bunch of mobile software designers got together and decided that the best way to spend next quarter’s budget would be to develop a smartphone application that revolves entirely around a cartoon monkey that just stares and winks at people. That’s human ingenuity at work, folks. The sad reality is this: for every Pebble Smartwatch or Makerbot Replicator that restores your faith in the future of civilization, there’s a Goggle Eyes or iHobo to point and laugh at you.
If, for some strange reason, most of your problems stem from an utter lack of ways to waste your time, fear not – we’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of ten guaranteed time-wasters for you, including the aforementioned winking monkey app.
30 Second Life
30 Second Life for the iOS is a game in the same way a corned beef sandwich is a tenderloin steak– proving that you’ll never really run out of stupid ways to spend time. This application, which requires more button-mashing than all the Street Fighter games combined, gives you the chance to somehow live a life even shorter than that of a fruit fly, yet “accomplish” so much more than about half of the real world’s population could ever hope to. Become a doctor, a mall cop, a monk, or even a criminal mastermind, all in 30 seconds. The best part about this app is that you could always try again, which eliminates all chances of you regretting the “career” you chose. There’s no guarantee that you won’t regret wasting 30 seconds on this pointless app, though.
Ever wondered how a pair of smartphones doing the nasty would look like? Then you’re a messed up person…but apparently, you’re not alone. Available through the Google Play Store, Tap That allows your Gingerbread to be the father (or mother?) of… I have no idea. Just pick your partner (other people who have the app as well… good gravy, you really ARE not alone, are you?) and, well, this picture says it all.
Download the Electric Shaver app on your business phone, and enjoy looking at what’s supposed to be a…razor? I’m not really sure. It changes your screen to somewhat resemble an electric razor’s grip, and also has a toggle button to make your phone vibrate. Seriously, you’d probably have better results attaching some Velcro to a wind-up car and holding it up to your chin. Or changing your wallpaper, enabling Vibrate, and taping your phone to your face.
Gotta hand it to these guys – at least they’re honest. The entire point of this Pointless app is to rest your finger on the screen. That’s it. I guess it would be handy as a marshmallow test of sorts for people who can’t control where their fingers go. Yeah, I give up.
Equal parts baffling and disgusting, the iFrenchKiss app for your Apple device requires you to stick out your tongue and, er, lick the unholy hell out of your screen. If you REALLY need this app to practice your kissing skills, there’s a big chance that you’ll never really get to use those skills, anyway.
Introducing the iHobo, a “fun” way to be charitable. Available for the iPhone, iPad, and iPod Touch, this app is the lazy, homeless cousin of the Tamagochi. You’ll have your very own hobo to care for and nurture, and if you somehow mess up, he’ll turn to a life of drugs and sinfulness! And it’ll be all your fault. Enjoy your virtual guilt.
Finally, monkeys! The only app on this list that I probably won’t judge you for downloading, Goggle Eyes displays a fat cartoon monkey on your screen that uses facial recognition to monitor your expressions of happiness, disgust, or utter cluelessness. Oh, and he also never stops staring at you. Just give this little fella a pair of cymbals and a band uniform, and he’ll be the perfect companion for your evening spiral into madness and the bowels of He-, I mean, a long and pleasant sleep. Sweet dreams!
Have any other pointless and ridiculous apps in mind (or worse, installed on your smartphone)? Sound off in the Comments section.